Grateful

Have you ever been so deeply grateful it's hard to express in words? I feel that way lately as my kids and dear friends know, just deeply grateful, blessed after so many hurdles in life. I am grateful for this moment in my life.

It reminds me of the time when I first met my mother. Well, not when I 'first' met her, I have no recollection of being a baby or little child. So I think of the time when I first met my mother, I was in my 20s and it was one of the most special times in my life. I think of her perspective of what it must have been like to get that call from me and how hard that might have been. I can remember every detail of that call and the years of searching it took to get that phone number. For years every person I saw with a young daughter, I imagined "what must that be like," and I wondered what its like to be loved by a mom, and to have that girl chat. I think It must have taken so much courage for her to agree to see me, and the moment we met. How ridiculously silly I was, and how surprised I was we didn't look very much alike. But the gratefulness of what it was like, in my 20s to "meet my mom," and over the years to have that question answered, "who" she was and what about her impacted my beliefs and thoughts. There are simply no words to describe what it means to be flat-out on-my-knees grateful to her, for opening up her life and humbled I know her, and we've developed a relationship over the years for which I know I am so lucky.

I am just as grateful my dad married the dearest person ever (BJ) and we got connected before he died. BJ is amazing who is also the wisest person I know. Oh man, I am thankful and humbled at being blessed by her. Daddy loved her like crazy and loved her kids too so I feel thankful he got to experience that in his life. I wish Dad could have seen my brother one more time before dad died, its hard having a brother missing in the world out there for more than 20 years now you ache and wonder what happened to them. I miss him and long to see him again, I'd love to tell him all the things I think of on his birthday and all the times I wonder of him and hope he found his way in this world and is safe and happy. These losses have made me cherish every relationship I've ever had or known, loss teaches gratefulness in a way nothing else can.

I am here with a warm fire glowing Howie made for me before he went to the show tonight and I couldn't feel more cared for, as i read a lovely message from my dear childhood friend. Oh I've known her since we were little kids, less than 10 years old I think and we were sharing today how did we get so lucky to have stayed friends for so many years. We both wanted to keep the love through years of raising kids and growing. And then I got a lovely call this week from my close friend who was there the day my little girl was born, who's been with me through every happy and every tough day since. She is what a sister would be to others, she is to me.

Of course my kids are good kind decent loving caring people who showed me the special bond between a mother and child from the mother's point of view, who helped me understand my own mother more because of their love and lives. I remember the pregnant days although long ago of how exciting it was and then to grow together and shape their lives through love and passion which I have for just about everything they do. And, I'm still that way. They are cool people!!

Can I be grateful for our boys, Mo and Bro ? I am, they're fun. Just plain fun. They are like little brothers who wrestle and play and are fun to care for, and bathing! Oh wow, that's an experience. Tahoe, the new friends, people, places, job and the feeling of finally settling in here, ok, after 2 years but it feels peaceful.

As so many things collapse around us, or we fear they will in these times, I am reminded how of deep and meaningful my sense of being grateful for all types of life and love and family are, whatever those terms mean to different families. For me, my family didn't come in the traditional form (does that exist?) but I've had so many opportunities to appreciate the value of love, in its many forms. Love for those who aren't here anymore, for those who are, for loved ones missing or you've lost touch with... whatever shape or form love is still the greatest gift we can give and be grateful for getting, it carries us through these times and beyond.

Much love...